Today is my birthday. I am twenty-eight now, and besides all the hurrays, oncoming gifts and a glorious feel-good Facebook wall (you guys are the best!), cometh the mandatory existential crisis. I think I'm far from the only one who, with every year added to my life, wonders a little bit more about how I'm living all of it. Am I doing it right? Am I getting the most out of my tiny little existence? How can I improve it? All of that has really been occupying my mind lately, and here's what my brain has untangled up until now.
NEVER TOO OLD TO HAVE FUN
The mere thought that you're an adult and should behave like one has always pretty much confused the hell out of me. Adulting. What even is that? You're too old to do this, too old to do that, you should be whatevering at this point in your life, and blah blah. There was a point at the beginning of this year - I just moved out to live on my own - when I totally ran with this train of thought. I didn't have time to go out, lived through a couple of crazy moments when the tasks for our group of youth volunteers just ebbed over the rim of my 'can handle bucket' and it seemed there was hardly any time left for anything else and I was just counting down to the end of it, I had to watch how I spent money,... The list goes on, really. And then I realised that I worried too much. That I forgot about how I believe that everyone is just winging this adulthood-thing, and that I should just go with the flow. I realised that I loved doing that volunteer work, that it can be so much fun, and so I decided to stay on for another year. I decided to take a jump and go on a pretty expensive trip this Summer. And I realised that when you take the pressure off an evening out, with the right people, is more important to me than a good night's sleep, anyway.
TO WISH IMPOSSIBLE THINGS >< TO ACHIEVE IMPOSSIBLE THINGS
How easy is it to lose track of your dreams and get stuck in a routine that you always swore would never be yours? Super easy, it turns out. Job-wise, I have always known that it would not be easy for me to find something that's right up my alley. I'm a college screw-up, have never known what I'm good enough at OR love doing enough to spend the majority of my life at it. Surprisingly enough, I got luckier than a lot of my peers. I have a steady job with awesome colleagues that absolutely make my day whenever I have a bad one, but I have always admitted that the work itself is not something I see myself doing for the rest of my life. At twenty-eight, I realise now more than ever that if I want to find that perfect job, side-job, even, that it will not be thrown into my lap. I will have to figure out what that job is, tell myself that it's not too high a reach at all, and go for it. Object number one.
This is it, people. This is what you get. One life, one try. That's super cheesy to say, but it's the truth. How cool would it be if no one ever had any - or, ok, hardly any because where's the fun in that, right? - regrets at the end of it? Or if you knew that you tried your best and did everything you could?
In line of the previous paragraphs; I am not a settler. Even more so, I am a perfectionist. A dreamer. A hopeless romantic. A closed door and quite a difficult person when it comes to that whole romance thing, I am willing to bet. In short; a tough, complicated code to crack. To others, and to myself. I've tried loosening up over the last couple of years, to no end whatsoever, so I'm just embracing that part of me. Go with it, admit to it. I have heard stories about people younger than me, friends, not being happy, hurting, but sticking with this routine because "they're already this old so this is it" and, well... I'll be damned if that's ever me. So, I'll chase perfection for a while. See where it takes me.
LIFE MOVES PRETTY FAST
Despite the fact that I JUST said that chasing after perfection is currently the game plan and that I intend to work hard to figure out and achieve a couple of dreams, there is also this;
It's multi-tasking, ok. We're supposed to be good at that.
CHOOSE (YOUR) LIFE
I guess the important thing I'm trying to say is that there is no handbook to living a better life. You can't always depend on other people's advice on the topic because almost no one's expectations are identic to your own. Perhaps another person's life is working out just fine for him, but that doesn't mean it will work out for you if you just go all copy-cat on him. Never lose sight of who you are. Keep breaking those barriers of what the popular opinion wants you to believe will make you happy, and actually find what makes your own little person happy.
Here's to a new year fo my life full of figuring things out. Perhaps even finding them.
Thank you so much for all the birthday wishes! This post might not show it, but I am immensily cheery right now, haha!